Poem of astroturf

[Crazy World Of Arthur Brown]

Shiny green, soft in the sun
Misleads me to slide, like Edgar Davids
Knees really hurt, burn like a house fire
How could you pretend to be real?!
Your plastic knife blades dig deep into my fleshy kneecap
Caring mother on sideline, face of concern
I writhe around the football field like a fish on cress
I need deep freeze aeresol spray I shout to my coach, Paul
Man of great authority says No
I gather momentum and get on my feet
Stare at turf who tried to take my skin
Never again, never again

What do you guys think? Can you give me some feedback on it. I have wrote this poem for my little sister's local YMCA football club, hoping it will be of use to them.

I especially like the 'fish on cress' line, its such visual wordplay. Think back to your childhood, have you ever seen a live fish on cress? I think we all have great memories like this

[Mikkaelson]

Yeah... its good and age appropriate for your sisters football team.

I've never seen Edgar Davids make a slide tackle in my life though

Change that to Bobby Moore

And what happened to the end of the story you were writing back in December. Did you take my advice??? and put in a Stone Cold Stunner

[Crazy World Of Arthur Brown]

I think Edgar Davids fits the line though for some reason.

Still working on the second part of the story. I Might leave the stone cold sunner out to be honest

Maybe you could write a version?